May Day

my heart is lost...found everything I ever wanted and needed but I can't have it right now, there are questions as to whether I ever will. My disorganization and lack of common sense finally sold me out, crazy baggage doesn't help much either. its not about being alone...have been that way most of my life...its weird...I can find beauty in most people because most of us possess this beauty sometimes unknowingly. At times people resent me for finding their beauty or pointing it out. Even though I can appreciate people's individuality I don't genuinely connect with many, often others will connect with me but it rarely feels as though its symbiotic. My point after that rant being that I don't mind being alone and having a few quirky friends is usually sufficient to meet my social interaction needs. My rambling on is not about my sadness over growing old alone...after all I have cats (smirk).

So finally it seems that it might be symbiotic...but the timing is wrong, we are at different developmental stages, I'm scattered and insensitive...missed again- I can see why I missed before...wasn't looking with an open heart, I wanted to make things/relationships fit, except they didn't but I made them-in retrospect I'm glad I missed. This time I didn't want it to fit...but it did... perfectly...(it still does even though we can't figure out how to make it do so) so much that my body pushed my fears aside & navigated me to the route of this beautiful energy that had wandered into my life. The thought of my unconditional love being replaced by something much blander and easy to deal with makes me nauseous...it feels like going against everything I have ever believed...and makes me feel as if the universal presence I always perceived is dead. I don't know why I continue to hope...to hold on...what happens if I let go? what do I have to lose?

The Chinese symbol for crisis is comprised by two characters: one meaning danger and one meaning opportunity. So if this is my crisis what is my danger and what is my opportunity? Good questions, however if I had the answers then it wouldn't be a crisis would it? I'll continue feeding myself platitudes like the people that appreciate me do when they know I'm struggling. I can tell myself that I'm strong and that this too shall pass...but platitudes are a small comfort when true love walks away...how can anyone settle for contentment after being totally happy? I'm not saying perfect...perfect has never been necessary...in fact I often find it quite intimidating...the underachiever that I am..It's not that I don't get annoyed...dissociation is a nice distraction to annoyances...and if that doesn't work focusing on gratitude can usually help. Sometimes I feel as though our existence can end at any minute- this helps me to appreciate the amazing stuff because annoyance is not the last emotion I want to experience. The minute we die I suspect that life and related memories fade from the senses leaving a lingering feeling behind...I want gratitude to linger on...and not be afraid... I want love to linger...not regret-that I gave too much...

Constantly weighing the scales between here and gone...what's the likelihood that this will also pass as it all does...the real question is time...how much time do I endure this impossible existence...where I wind myself up and play the part (go to work, obey the rules, don't stick out like a sore thumb) that I'm supposed to play..I finally find this amazing energy that makes me truly happy (on multiple levels)...happier than I've ever been or realistically hoped to be...but in spite of my fears and past traumatic emotional crises I let myself believe that its possible...that I get to be this genuinely happy...but...the universe smiles its mischievous smile once more...its ability to adjust to my higher understanding and acceptance is complex and constantly raising the stakes-like a self adjusting video game that increases difficulty in response to the player's evolving skill...hmmm...getting bored/tired of this game...its annoying....but I'm sure there's a lesson in it for me...good things are worth working for...and really amazing things are worth more than that....even if they're annoying.