How a hurricane can save a life

So this morning as I prepared breakfast and followed my usual morning routine I noticed an ant on my arm. In the past when this has happened I have attempted to take the ant off and place him in an area safe from the cat children-preferably outside. This doesn't always work as ants are very small and my human fingers though dexterous by human standards feel like clumsy lumps of clay when handling an ant and often end up hurting my tiny and fragile friends. I would preferably blow him or her off me outside but I'm not always dressed for the part. This morning was one of those mornings and what I often do in that situation is blow softly on the ant so that he or she might land on a nook in my kitchen counter or other safe area. After doing this the thought struck me that to the ant what I considered to be a merciful...gesture was probably perceived as a hurricane or some other phenomenological attack...I thougt about how what I may perceive as a catastrophe and how these phenomenon could possibly be (unbeknownst to me) a last ditch effort on the part of an intelligence greater than myself (size wise or otherwise) to move me out of the way as a means to prevent or minimize further harm.

Not to say that hurricanes and what we refer to as natural catastrophes don't cause much damage to my human counterparts...but I thought of this further and the similarities of our microcosm expanded. I thought about all the ant genocide that goes on in our modern world where there are products made just to kill ants...the modern stay-at home mom holds in her power the scientifically organized tools of zealous dictators...I thought of all the millions of ants that have died in our new industrial households where ants are the equivalent of filth and disorder and wondered how the industrious ant became the scapegoat for our overindulgence....but I digress...that's another blog.

Mostly I thought about how what I may perceive as a catastrophe may inadvertently be a last minute attempt to keep me out of the way of a greater harm. I bet that ant that survived may not necessarily realize that if I had not blown him off my arm he may have fallen into the cat's breakfast at least in my household. In a different household he or she may have met certain death by poison or squashing. This made me think of all the near misses I may have avoided in my own life and the fact that I don' t and will never know about. Some believe in guardian angels, a higher self that guides us or a powerful god or goddess that protects us...today I was that presence for the ant...I am grateful that I had the opportunity to do so and I am grateful that there is a power that does that for me and the rest of us. Today I am thankful for all the near misses (physical, mental, and spiritual) and imagine the possibilities that these avoided in my life. I am one step closer to trusting the process...as today i have something close to proof of it.

Stagnation

I'll write in a few minutes....maybe in an hour....nahhh...maybe I'll do it tomorrow....that's what my inner dialogue sounds like most of the time...unless my procrastination is directly threatening my immediate survival (i.e. get fired, go to jail, have bank accounts seized, and of course all life and death issues for myself & loved ones) I'm suspended in an in-between place where everything and nothing are the same as are tears and laughter. I'm afloat on an ocean of thoughts, concepts and theoreticals which seem all too separate from who I really am. These days only the extremes of pain, suffering, and instability disturb me enough to act. When I say act I mean respond to situations by addressing the needs with whatever needs to be done.

And all I can do is nothing...but I think I will do that later...

love and house shopping

I spent most of my free time today looking for a new home. There are many nice properties in my area that I can actually afford...the real question is would I be happy living all alone in the woods...the thought is attractive but it certainly feels as though I would be happier living in an isolated setting with a partner to share the wilderness with...and the thoughts start creeping in...thoughts that I cannot discard...the stairs are too steep to be safe...its too far from work...there's no hospitals nearby...and the country roads' driveability will be questionnable come colder days....basically it comes down to the fact that this (or any of the houses I saw today) is not the house I want to grow old in...and then the thought struck me...in many ways settling down with a partner can be a similar process. Many of the homes I saw today were nice enough...with all the amenities that meet my predetermined criteria, lots of potential and possibility...but when it comes down to it I can't imagine myself living in any of them-much like it works in relationships at least it has always worked that way for me. Using the same parallel there are similarities in the difference between falling in love with someone and sharing a life with them-the ideal/theoretical meets logistical realities that gone ignored can make for challenging daily routine. For example...a steep driveway is lovely and almost exotic because I've lived on flat terrain most of my life...but it will likely become an issue when I'm scaling it over a layer of ice as I'm rushing out to my job in the next county , -it will likely seem like an unnecesary risk once the honeymoon period expires. These issues on their own present small and even moderate hardship but for the right house...in the house I fall in love with they would be issues I could concede on. However...because none of these is the one the imperfections small or moderate become obstacles and I am left searching again...for a house that is.

This is the time when I compare what I have now with what the market has to offer. What keeps me from committing to one property or another...I know...none of them are right. The right place will reveal itself and I will know it when I see it. I have recognized true love in the same fashion and so far it hasn't been wrong...sometimes painful, but always right.

May Day

my heart is lost...found everything I ever wanted and needed but I can't have it right now, there are questions as to whether I ever will. My disorganization and lack of common sense finally sold me out, crazy baggage doesn't help much either. its not about being alone...have been that way most of my life...its weird...I can find beauty in most people because most of us possess this beauty sometimes unknowingly. At times people resent me for finding their beauty or pointing it out. Even though I can appreciate people's individuality I don't genuinely connect with many, often others will connect with me but it rarely feels as though its symbiotic. My point after that rant being that I don't mind being alone and having a few quirky friends is usually sufficient to meet my social interaction needs. My rambling on is not about my sadness over growing old alone...after all I have cats (smirk).

So finally it seems that it might be symbiotic...but the timing is wrong, we are at different developmental stages, I'm scattered and insensitive...missed again- I can see why I missed before...wasn't looking with an open heart, I wanted to make things/relationships fit, except they didn't but I made them-in retrospect I'm glad I missed. This time I didn't want it to fit...but it did... perfectly...(it still does even though we can't figure out how to make it do so) so much that my body pushed my fears aside & navigated me to the route of this beautiful energy that had wandered into my life. The thought of my unconditional love being replaced by something much blander and easy to deal with makes me nauseous...it feels like going against everything I have ever believed...and makes me feel as if the universal presence I always perceived is dead. I don't know why I continue to hope...to hold on...what happens if I let go? what do I have to lose?

The Chinese symbol for crisis is comprised by two characters: one meaning danger and one meaning opportunity. So if this is my crisis what is my danger and what is my opportunity? Good questions, however if I had the answers then it wouldn't be a crisis would it? I'll continue feeding myself platitudes like the people that appreciate me do when they know I'm struggling. I can tell myself that I'm strong and that this too shall pass...but platitudes are a small comfort when true love walks away...how can anyone settle for contentment after being totally happy? I'm not saying perfect...perfect has never been necessary...in fact I often find it quite intimidating...the underachiever that I am..It's not that I don't get annoyed...dissociation is a nice distraction to annoyances...and if that doesn't work focusing on gratitude can usually help. Sometimes I feel as though our existence can end at any minute- this helps me to appreciate the amazing stuff because annoyance is not the last emotion I want to experience. The minute we die I suspect that life and related memories fade from the senses leaving a lingering feeling behind...I want gratitude to linger on...and not be afraid... I want love to linger...not regret-that I gave too much...

Constantly weighing the scales between here and gone...what's the likelihood that this will also pass as it all does...the real question is time...how much time do I endure this impossible existence...where I wind myself up and play the part (go to work, obey the rules, don't stick out like a sore thumb) that I'm supposed to play..I finally find this amazing energy that makes me truly happy (on multiple levels)...happier than I've ever been or realistically hoped to be...but in spite of my fears and past traumatic emotional crises I let myself believe that its possible...that I get to be this genuinely happy...but...the universe smiles its mischievous smile once more...its ability to adjust to my higher understanding and acceptance is complex and constantly raising the stakes-like a self adjusting video game that increases difficulty in response to the player's evolving skill...hmmm...getting bored/tired of this game...its annoying....but I'm sure there's a lesson in it for me...good things are worth working for...and really amazing things are worth more than that....even if they're annoying.