How a hurricane can save a life

So this morning as I prepared breakfast and followed my usual morning routine I noticed an ant on my arm. In the past when this has happened I have attempted to take the ant off and place him in an area safe from the cat children-preferably outside. This doesn't always work as ants are very small and my human fingers though dexterous by human standards feel like clumsy lumps of clay when handling an ant and often end up hurting my tiny and fragile friends. I would preferably blow him or her off me outside but I'm not always dressed for the part. This morning was one of those mornings and what I often do in that situation is blow softly on the ant so that he or she might land on a nook in my kitchen counter or other safe area. After doing this the thought struck me that to the ant what I considered to be a merciful...gesture was probably perceived as a hurricane or some other phenomenological attack...I thougt about how what I may perceive as a catastrophe and how these phenomenon could possibly be (unbeknownst to me) a last ditch effort on the part of an intelligence greater than myself (size wise or otherwise) to move me out of the way as a means to prevent or minimize further harm.

Not to say that hurricanes and what we refer to as natural catastrophes don't cause much damage to my human counterparts...but I thought of this further and the similarities of our microcosm expanded. I thought about all the ant genocide that goes on in our modern world where there are products made just to kill ants...the modern stay-at home mom holds in her power the scientifically organized tools of zealous dictators...I thought of all the millions of ants that have died in our new industrial households where ants are the equivalent of filth and disorder and wondered how the industrious ant became the scapegoat for our overindulgence....but I digress...that's another blog.

Mostly I thought about how what I may perceive as a catastrophe may inadvertently be a last minute attempt to keep me out of the way of a greater harm. I bet that ant that survived may not necessarily realize that if I had not blown him off my arm he may have fallen into the cat's breakfast at least in my household. In a different household he or she may have met certain death by poison or squashing. This made me think of all the near misses I may have avoided in my own life and the fact that I don' t and will never know about. Some believe in guardian angels, a higher self that guides us or a powerful god or goddess that protects us...today I was that presence for the ant...I am grateful that I had the opportunity to do so and I am grateful that there is a power that does that for me and the rest of us. Today I am thankful for all the near misses (physical, mental, and spiritual) and imagine the possibilities that these avoided in my life. I am one step closer to trusting the process...as today i have something close to proof of it.

Stagnation

I'll write in a few minutes....maybe in an hour....nahhh...maybe I'll do it tomorrow....that's what my inner dialogue sounds like most of the time...unless my procrastination is directly threatening my immediate survival (i.e. get fired, go to jail, have bank accounts seized, and of course all life and death issues for myself & loved ones) I'm suspended in an in-between place where everything and nothing are the same as are tears and laughter. I'm afloat on an ocean of thoughts, concepts and theoreticals which seem all too separate from who I really am. These days only the extremes of pain, suffering, and instability disturb me enough to act. When I say act I mean respond to situations by addressing the needs with whatever needs to be done.

And all I can do is nothing...but I think I will do that later...

love and house shopping

I spent most of my free time today looking for a new home. There are many nice properties in my area that I can actually afford...the real question is would I be happy living all alone in the woods...the thought is attractive but it certainly feels as though I would be happier living in an isolated setting with a partner to share the wilderness with...and the thoughts start creeping in...thoughts that I cannot discard...the stairs are too steep to be safe...its too far from work...there's no hospitals nearby...and the country roads' driveability will be questionnable come colder days....basically it comes down to the fact that this (or any of the houses I saw today) is not the house I want to grow old in...and then the thought struck me...in many ways settling down with a partner can be a similar process. Many of the homes I saw today were nice enough...with all the amenities that meet my predetermined criteria, lots of potential and possibility...but when it comes down to it I can't imagine myself living in any of them-much like it works in relationships at least it has always worked that way for me. Using the same parallel there are similarities in the difference between falling in love with someone and sharing a life with them-the ideal/theoretical meets logistical realities that gone ignored can make for challenging daily routine. For example...a steep driveway is lovely and almost exotic because I've lived on flat terrain most of my life...but it will likely become an issue when I'm scaling it over a layer of ice as I'm rushing out to my job in the next county , -it will likely seem like an unnecesary risk once the honeymoon period expires. These issues on their own present small and even moderate hardship but for the right house...in the house I fall in love with they would be issues I could concede on. However...because none of these is the one the imperfections small or moderate become obstacles and I am left searching again...for a house that is.

This is the time when I compare what I have now with what the market has to offer. What keeps me from committing to one property or another...I know...none of them are right. The right place will reveal itself and I will know it when I see it. I have recognized true love in the same fashion and so far it hasn't been wrong...sometimes painful, but always right.